Not A Cat Toy

Dear Diary,

The upright thumbed morons, aka humans, who sublet a room within my house have really outdone themselves this time.

I was taking my third mid-afternoon nap, which I absolutely need if I am to have enough energy to fulfill my nightly duty of yowling in the basement for hours on end, when what should I hear but a terrible mechanical ruckus.

Peering about the room, I saw something peculiar: an intruder.

It’s hard to describe, but it appeared like some of the strange vehicles that often drive loudly by, disturbing the squirrels lounging at the side of the road, whom I was attempting to kill with nothing more than my cold stare. They possess an odd shape, these vehicles; their riders are concentrated to the front, while in the back is a negative space like an open box.

This was one of those, only smaller, and with absurdly outsized wheels.

Of course, my instincts kicked in. I am, by nature, a hunter. The upright thumbed morons often commend me when I hunt things that come from outside to make their home within the house I generously share. So I emerged from my slumber, leapt off the laundry basket I’d selected for my repose, and rushed across the floor to give this strange thing a firm swat.

And how was I repaid for this valiant attack?

By being yelled at.

Adding insult to injury, the humans then brought this strange new item outside. You know, where I am not allowed to go. Because I would “run away” and “never come back.” And they proceeded to play with it and celebrate its every move, as it drove over grass, concrete, dirt, and whatnot.

Though they never once looked towards the window from which I observed them, I understood that this was meant to insult me. (How could it not? After all, everything is done or not done with me in mind.) As a result, I will have to retaliate. It’s time to take a clumsy walk across the mantle above the fireplace where all the vases and glass-framed photographs reside.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome next time.

• Giovani Vincent Alberto Montessi (alias Mittens)