De-gross-ify

Yes, is this the police? Good. I’d like to report a crime. A break-in.

You see, officer, I was away for the last week. I went to Orlando. It was a family vacation. Just me, my wife, and my four teenage boys. The only members of our household who did not attend were our three dogs, as they spent the week at a kennel.

No, officer, as a matter of fact, we did not go to Disney. I’ll have you know that my boys possess a refined taste and are enormous fans of the artist Robert Rauschenberg, whose work is currently on display at the Orlando Museum of Art. They also love palm trees and other such tropical flora but hate the ocean due to its waves. I won’t get into it except to say that it involves an accident at the wave pool, and the settlement was nice, but no amount of money can get my youngest boy’s left eyebrow back.

In short: we wanted to see art, palm trees, tropical plants, but no coastline. Hence: Orlando.

But we’re getting off topic, officer. I called you to report a break-in.

What do you mean, ‘what was taken’? Did I say there was a robbery? No, I said it was a break-in, officer! I wish you’d listen and stop interrupting me.

The criminals seem to have picked the lock, come into our house, remained there for some time, and then left shortly before we arrived, unpicking the lock, as the door was firmly shut when we came back.

No, officer. I don’t know how they unpicked the lock! That’s why I’m calling you, a crime professional!

Nor do I know their motives or their numbers. The one thing I do know? These outlaws absolutely STINK. They’ve perfumed the whole of our beautiful home with their disgusting stench. So please, now, do your job and put out an APB. We’re looking for two to twenty individuals scented like stale ass. They can’t be far from here. We only just arrived back, and the smell is still quite pungent.

Excuse me? What did you just say?

Are you implying that no malodorous criminals entered my house during our vacation? That I am smelling is the ambient scent of a house containing three dogs and four teenage boys?

How dare you, officer!

Oh, and now you want to suggest a purchase to me? You think I should buy a slew of Sharper Image by Vornado PURIFY 5 Triple Stage HEPA Air Purifiers, each one capable of purifying 100 square feet, making them perfect for bedrooms and other small rooms? And what’s that you say, they capture 99.97% of airborne micro-garbage, including ultra-fine particles down to 0.3 microns in diameter? And that they’re on sale today, for a great price?

Well then, that does actually sound pretty good. But I didn’t understand you when you said the retailer’s name. ‘Men dot com’? Why don’t you spell it.

M-e…

Oh, very funny, officer! Like that’s a real site! Unbelievable! I’m hanging up now!