So Pure

It’s an air purifier. With a true-HEPA filter that can remove 99.97% of airborne pollutants up to 0.3 microns from small to medium-sized rooms (spaces up to about 100 square feet). There’s also a pre-filter to catch the bigger stuff, and a carbon filter to absorb nasty smells and keep the HEPA filter running longer.

A useful product, right? Something that everyone can agree on, yeah?

Well, actually, no.

So, who is it that doesn’t like this thing?

Maybe people who don’t appreciate the corruption of the English language via vowel-replacement? People who see a word like ‘Vornado’ and think it’s not just a cute brand name for a company that produces a wide range of products to circulate air, but rather, a slippery slope, one that might lead to further degradation of the English language, the foretelling of a future where meteorologists discuss vurricanes and vlizzards?

No, it’s not them.

So maybe it’s forgetful people? After all, this thing is mighty efficient. You only need to replace the filter every six months. Which is good. But also, hard to remember. After all, doing something once a day? That’s easy to keep track of. Once a week, a little more difficult. Once every six months? That’d be like if your dentist just expected you to remember a cleaning without any reminders.

And yet, it is not these people who don’t like this thing.

It’s SWAMPY: the Society for Wanting Airborne Matter Preserved, Y’all. This is a grassroots organization that claims, “nasty smells and particles allow areas of air to maintain their individuality.” The group rails against, “any and all attempts at air-conformity, including purification.”

Comprised mostly of citizen-activists, they have enrolled a number of celebrities to help publicize their cause, mostly actors like:

• Tom Stanks
• Smellie Kemper
• Mandy Pastinkin
• Bryce Dallas Soured
• Reeks Witherspoon

But there are some musicians on board, like Fart Garfunkel and CardiPee-Ew, as well as former athletes, including MLB star Duster Posey, Nascar great Stale Earnhardt Jr., and legendary NBA bruiser, Charles Smoakley.

Deep sigh

The puns are really stupid. We’ll admit that. Clean air, on the other hand? That’s not stupid at all!