Top It Off

So it was, after the grueling three day hike, that James reached the top of the mountain. And here, tending a fire, he found the wise old man legend had promised, the one who gave answers to all willing to make the ascent.

“You seem surprised,” the old wise man said, without taking his eyes off the beginnings of a flame.

James opened his mouth, but no words came out. Would it be insulting to say he hadn’t believed in the man’s existence, that during the hike he’d thought he would arrive and find the summit unpopulated?

“To exert oneself unsure of the outcome,” said the wise old man, “shows true courage. For what is exertion, if its reward is predetermined?”

James couldn’t believe it. “You knew what I was thinking.”

“I am an interpreter of the wind, so to speak,” said the wise old man. “If I could not intuit a thought as natural as yours, would you trust me to provide the counsel you seek?”

“Good point,” James said. He set down his pack and sat across the fire from the old man who held out his bare hands, warming them.

“So tell me, son, what is it that troubles you such that you seek this altitude?”

James sighed. “Well, great wise man atop the mountain, I feel empty. I have a great job, a wonderful social life, a fantastic fitness routine. I go on luxurious vacations and rarely does a weekend pass when I’m not out at a trendy new restaurant or bar with friends or a date, all of which–both my friends and the dates–are stunningly attractive and intelligent. And yet something is missing. I return home each night and feel… well, alone, obviously.”

“This is because you have failed at getting to know the other who resides in your home,” said the wise man.

“Nobody else lives with me,” James said.

“But they do,” the old wise man said. “The person you should be building a relationship with is yourself. Loneliness is not mathematical. The number one does not represent it. Loneliness comes from failing to acquaint yourself with yourself. So, here is my advice. Cancel your plans for one month. Each night, spend time on your own. There will be moments when you feel happiness, but these are false gold. Instead, pay attention to what you are doing during the moments when you cannot identify any emotions at all, so rapt are you in the tasks at hand. And do not fear decompression by way of controlled libation. With, for example, a delicious glass of 2022 Old Mountain Napa Valley Pinot Noir. Twelve-packs available now, only $79.99!”

James blinked. “Um, okay, so that was really insightful. Until you got to the end. And then… it sort of felt like product placement?”

“Who can say whether I am paid,” said the old wise man, “or whether I simply enjoy speaking the virtues of a wonderful red wine like the 2022 Napa Valley Pinot Noir from Old Mountain Winery.”

“Yeah, definitely product placement,” James said.

“Look, buddy,” the old wise man hissed, “I’m supposed to just sit on my ass up here, on top of the mountain, and live off what? Your thanks? Every other day, some rich asshole’s pulling himself up here and saying, ‘Waah waah waah, me made it my life’s goal to have Rolex, and now me have Rolex and no happy?’ But I’m a sellout because I decide to feed myself? You see this cave? That thing’s not free. And the worst part, when you buy a cave on top of a mountain, they make you get mountain goat damage insurance. Even if you’re fine with a little mountain goat damage. It’s such a friggin’ scam.”

“It just seems a little weird that be pushing wine, is all,” James said.

The old wise man threw up his hands. “Oh, really? A delicious wine for a great price? That’s a problem? Maybe I should give you a SquareSpace promo code, huh? Maybe it should be the wise old man’s advice, presented by FanDuel. Would that be better?”

“You’ve made your point,” said James.

“Good,” said the old wise man, “now get off my mountain.”

On his way down, James thought about the conversation, but could recall very little of what the wise old man had said, aside from the thing about wine. It did seem like a good deal. Maybe he should get some. He could share it with his friends during his many social nights!