Axe-free X-mas

Hey, it’s me, Trevor, your one friend who acts morally superior about everything.

You know, it’s early and all, but I was wondering: did you want to get together, maybe do a little pre-Christmas party thing? We could bake cookies, mix up a little eggnog, mull some wine. And heck, we could even put on a Christmas movie.

I was thinking something like… Oh, I don’t know… Saw?

Yes, in fact, Saw is a Christmas movie. That is, at least, if you ask all the innocent pine trees you’ve cut down over the years.

But of course, you couldn’t ask them, could you? And why is that?

Well, yes, because they’re trees.

But also, because they’re dead!

That’s right, I’m talking about all those poor, innocent spruces and firs you’ve ruthlessly slaughtered over the years. Chopped down in early December, cast out on the curb in early January. A life ended so you could enjoy a single month of seasonal splendor.

Except, did you even enjoy it? Or did you spend the whole time complaining about how often you need to water the base, and all the needles it dropped?

And just an FYI: you complaining about a floor covered in needles is a bit tone deaf, when you consider there are people out there who are recovering from drug addictions or working in under-regulated sewing factories.

Anyway, I can’t really relate. You see, I have a National Tree Company Balsam Tree. It comes with pre-installed lights, and it’s easy to put together year after year.

In fact, my kids help. That’s right, while you’re imparting the lesson to your children that it’s okay to destroy nature for one’s own hedonistic pleasure, I’m teaching my kids creative problem solving and the basics of engineering.

Now, you might be thinking: What about all the restorative measures Christmas tree farms take to keep their fields lush and green? And what about the environmental impact of artificial tree production?

To which my reply would be quite simple: I ignore it.

Check and mate.

Now let’s throw that movie on, shall we?

Jigsaw. He’s a real hero of yours, I bet.