That's A Reach

At the morning team meeting, morale was low.

“Coach, I just don’t know if I can do it today,” Thad said. “Put me down for a DNP-Rest.”

“Same, coach,” Andy said. “After the back-to-back-to-back this weekend, I just don’t have it in me either.”

“Coach, I hate to pile on,” Sarah said, “but I’m dealing with some serious lateral pectitits.”

“Hey, so, everyone,” Martin said, “we call this a ‘team meeting’ to build camaraderie and promote collaborative thinking. But, at the end of the day, we’re not a team in the sports sense. We’re a digital marketing firm.”

“So, you’re saying I can’t get that DNP, coach?” Thad said.

“No,” Martin said. “And you don’t have to call me coach. I’m your project manager.”

“Maybe it’s more like baseball, then? There’s an IL?” Andy asked.

“That’s not at all what I’m saying,” Martin said. “There’s personal time and sick time. But Andy, you said you had a ‘back-to-back-to-back’ this weekend. Are you playing rec league basketball or something?”

“No,” Andy said. “I raked leaves on Saturday and had to lean over a lot. Then, on Sunday, I took a nice walk, and I saw something on the sidewalk and leaned over to look at that. I’m a forty-two-year-old man without core strength. Leaning over two days in a row? I’m bound to tweak something in my back. Hence, the ‘back-to-back-to-back.’”

Martin turned his attention to Sarah. “And what are you dealing with?”

“A bit of tendinitic discomfort in my bilateral abdominals,” Sarah said.

“Okay, that is not even close to what you said before,” Martin said. “And furthermore, that is simply not a real thing.”

Sarah looked into her coffee. “It sure feels real,” she muttered.

“Look, everyone, you’re sore, I get it,” Martin said. “If you want to take sick time, take it. Otherwise, get a percussion massager and let’s move on. In fact, they’ve got a nice one on Meh today. It’s got a heated head and six interchangeable tips for targeted massages. Plus, you can extend the arm, allowing you to reach places without asking someone else for help.”

The team mumbled their approval of this idea.

“Great,” Martin said. “So it’s settled then. Let’s get to work.”

“Coach, one last thing,” Andy said, as the others dispersed. “Can you order that massage gun for me? I forgot my glasses today and if I have to lean in close to the screen to complete the checkout process, I know I’m going to tweak something else.”

“Andy,” Martin said. “We need to talk about your performance.”