Moisturize

Hello, my name is Michale Cera.

No, not that Michael Cera. I’m actually a member of the Cera family behind Cera Ve. And I come to you today as a representative, not just of my own company, but of the lotion industry as a whole. To beg. To grovel. To outright demand one thing.

Please, buy this humidifier.

Every winter, we who make our fortunes from moisturizers of various kinds rejoice. This, we say, is our time. Even those who have no skincare routine to speak of turn to us to relieve the aching expenses of their hands, arms, legs, palms, or whatever else the cruelest season has reduced to sandpaper.

You apply our products after the shower. You apply our products after you wash your hands in the kitchen. You apply our products after you wash your hands in the bathroom. Then, you go to open the bathroom door, only your palm finds no purchase. So you must wash the lotion off your hands, turn the knob so the door is ajar, and reapply the lotion.

Each of these instances sounds like the cha-ching of a cash register opening to us.

Or, it did.

But as the winter ambles on and the air seems still to be losing moisture, we find ourselves on the precipice of disaster. You see, if you all keep applying lotion with such abandon, we will not be able keep up with demand. Our lotion factory workers will collapse, and our lotion machines will overheat and burst, sending a lava flow of lotion everywhere, and no one will be able to help, because not even a Subaru would gain traction on such slick roads.

We need you to help us avert disaster. We need you to seek at least some moisture elsewhere.

And so, again, we ask–nay, we require–that you purchase this humidifier.

It’s easy to fill with its top-loading design and easy to control with its remote and simple interface. But what’s most important is that it’ll make the air less painful in your house all winter long. Which lessens the burden on us.

Though please, do not misunderstand us: we hope you will keep buying lotion as well.

Just maybe not so much.