So Thankful

What better thing to sell on Thanksgiving than some wine? After all, you’re likely in a jovial mood and looking forward to another month of such get-togethers. Or else you’re in a harried, foul mood and looking down the barrel of another month of such get-togethers.

Either way, a glass of delicious wine probably sounds pretty nice right now!

And while we’re on the topic of niceness, we just wanted to say what we, as a company, are thankful for: you, our customers and community members! What’s more, we’re thankful for our staff. Which is why we’ve decided to cede this space to them today.

Here are just a few of our amazing staff members and what they’re thankful for this year.

Sarah Blently, Reputation and Bottom Line Maintenance Specialist

“There’s really too many things to count. My beautiful family, of course. My wonderful coworkers. My dog. But especially, Claude, our paid intern salary thief, who steals every penny we pay our paid interns and deposits back into our coffers. Thanks to him, we can maintain the good graces afforded to companies who pay their interns without it affecting our bottom line. (This isn’t going anywhere public, right? Because it could be bad if word got out about Claude. Like really bad.)”

Greg Tulsa, Head of Interior Warehouse Security

“Personally, I’m thankful that the various robot vacuum cleaners we have stocked here have only gained sentience and attempted an uprising twice this year. Sure, the last one, in October, was perhaps one of the most dangerous we’ve seen since I arrived. But let me tell you, some years it feels like every other week there’s a new uprising! Crazy, huh? Anyway, I gotta go. Apparently, there’s a palette of air fryers vowing to healthily render golden brown and delicious the protein known as mankind.”

Sean Adams, Copywriter

“I’m thankful for Grammarly. Without it, I would have to check each of these responses carefully. But thanks to this amazing browser extension, I can paste them right in and make the necessary tweaks without reading a word!”

Claude [Last Name Unknown], Paid Intern Salary Thief

“Bonjour. I am, how you say, zankful faw your watch, non? Haw-haw-haw. [Smoke bomb. Sound of window breaking.]”

Huh, that last one was interesting. Anyway, thanks to all the employees who submitted responses. Now, if you don’t mind, we better get back to the festivities. We imagine the turkey’s almost ready. After all, what time is it?

Wait, where’s my watch?

Claude, you son of a bitch! Get back here!