Removes Invisible Stuff

Okay, we’re going to get to today’s product in a minute, but first, a fun little thought exercise: imagine you could travel back in time to meet your child-self. What would you say if you wanted to truly shock them?

The seemingly obvious answer would be to describe the various everyday technologies that you use, but this will only backfire. Little computers in the palm of your hand that you can also watch TV on? Robot vacuum cleaners? AI? All will come up short of what The Jetsons trained them to expect. “So, you call it a hoverboard but it has wheels?” they’ll ask, unimpressed. “Is that even legal?”

Thus, the key would be to share something about yourself.

For example, I might tell my young self, “By the time you’re forty, you’re going to love Brussels sprouts. Like, love them. Specifically, you’re going to enjoy them charred almost beyond recognition. What you’ll do is buy a bunch of them at the grocery store, chop them in half lengthwise, toss them in a bowl with a little salt and pepper and a tiny bit of olive oil. Then you’ll put them in your air fryer, which is basically a fancy toaster, for about twenty minutes at 400 degrees. They will look completely burnt, but the taste will be, to your palate, almost as satisfying as French fries.”

That would be truly shocking for my former self to learn.

And to bring up Brussels sprouts in relation to time travel feels appropriate, because are they not a time travel device themselves in a way? You cook them, and then, for days and days afterwards, every time you step into the kitchen, you’re transported back to that day!

As in, you wonder: how does it still smell like vegetable farts in here?

What’s more, while Brussels sprouts are a particularly egregious example of a lingering odor, they aren’t the only food smell that overstays its welcome. Hell, even something that smells delicious while it’s stewing can get stale and gross a day later, and, more to the point, make you wonder what other micro bullshit is hanging out in the air, waiting to find its way into your lungs?

Would an air purifier totally eliminate the smells of meals past? Probably not. Just like it won’t make up completely for you slouching on litter box scooping duty or a general lack of cleanliness. But it can help. Plus, it can remove 99.97% of airborne garbage in the air.

Which is nice, isn’t. You get to rest easy knowing that you’re breathing better air, while that remaining 0.03% gets to enjoy a beautiful life, floating through uncrowded space, truly living, you know?

Huh.

That took a weird turn.

Anyway, now I’m hungry for air-fried Brussels sprouts again.