Back From the Dead

Before even reading this far, someone has already bounced immediately to the comment section to complain that we’re selling KIND bars again.

But, like…we have pallets and pallets of these things and it’s our job to get them out of here. You, gentle commenter, have an internet connection and some amount of disposable income, so wasn’t it really your job to buy the damn things?

Think about it.

All we’re saying is that we’re doing your part and if you’re going to complain about too many KIND bar offers, you should really only do so after buying at least a couple of cases as a token of good faith.

But that said, we do feel a little self-conscious here, so we’re going to do our best to work through those feelings with some seasonally-inappropriate, horror-themed commentary.

This offer is…

[insert grabby zombie hands]

…BACK FROM THE DEAD!!

Nice.

Ooh. What would a zombie say as it shuffled around if it only ate KIND bars?”

Graaaaaaains…

Amazing.

Hey, did you ever notice how writing about wholesome, convenient, and nutritionally-balanced foodstuffs is boring and writing about zombies is cool as hell? This must be why George Romero never made Night of the Living Bread.

Anyway, the real point here is that nobody is in the mood to hear how the Peanut Butter Dark Chocolate variety pairs luxurious peanut butter with satisfying chocolate chunks to deliver oats, millet, buckwheat, amaranth, and quinoa for sustained whole grain energy with no GMOs.

Nope, you’d rather hear about how the whole trope where zombies moan “braaaaaains” over and over again is actually a bunch of nonsense.

Is it as nonsensical as a snack manufacturer thinking the market would have great demand for a Pineapple Mango flavor just because it happens to be delicious and packed with crunchy yet chewy texture that let’s you relish in the tropical taste while getting a healthy dose of fiber and no trans fats??

Not really, but it does turn out that the zombies eating brains stereotype can actually be traced to exactly ONE zombie movie (and then a whole bunch of parodies and comedic references since).

Unless you’re a real zombie dork and have already shouted the answer, you probably want to know which movie as badly as you want to know whether the Strawberry Banana KIND bars contain real fruit or if they, like an overused horror trope that barely ever actually happened, are a deceptive web of lies and half-truths.

Well, the movie was Dan O’Bannon’s 1985 horror-comedy film The Return of the Living Dead and the strawberries and bananas are every bit as real as the cocoa butter you’ll find in the Dark Chocolate Chunk options which, since you asked, are very low in sodium.

The premise in the O’Bannon flick was that eating brains for whatever reason dulled the pain of being dead and since the zombies in that movie actually talked, it wasn’t actually that weird of them to say stuff. Or we’ll at least say that it wouldn’t be any weirder than failing to include snack classic Mixed Berry in your Pick-Your-80-Pack KIND bar order, if for no other reason than you’ve loved unspecified fruit tastes ever since your mom gave you that new cough medicine when you were 13 and it led to weird dreams as vivid as they were erotically confusing.

See? Now you’ve learned about all the varieties of KIND bars and are equally ready to make your selections and to be insufferable the next time a zombie trope comes up.

We call that a win-win.