Drink Up

“I really do appreciate you moving all that wood, Kenny,” said Hilton. “It’s just not as easy as it used to be for me, with my back and all.”

Kenny wiped sweat from his brow and took a seat at the kitchen table across from his uncle. “Any time,” he said.

“Say, you look parched.” Hilton stood. “Why don’t I get you a cold glass of water?”

“That’d be great,” Kenny said.

He watched his uncle take down a glass from the cabinet, but instead of going to the faucet, the older man retrieved a jug from his fridge, poured from this, and set the drink down on the table.

Kenny held it up to the light to examine it. “This water looks pretty cloudy, Uncle Hilton.”

“Damn right it is!” Hilton sat back down and slapped the table. “That there is water from the Lake Tatoose.”

“Lake Tatoose?” Kenny said. “Where’s that?”

“Hard to say as it appears on no map.” Hilton sat back in his chair. “It’s somewhere in the mountains of Montana, I believe. It’s fed by a special spring that releases rare ‘raw water,’ which possesses healing properties. I drink it for my sciatica.”

Kenny took a tiny sip and grimaced. “It doesn’t taste very good.”

“That’s not the water,” said Hilton. “That’s from the transport. They ship it to you in a special bag with a proprietary lining that ensures no wifi signals corrupt the various minerals within it.”

“And you talked to your doctor about this?” Kenny said, looking skeptically at the glass.

“Doctor CG, the only medical professional I’ve ever trusted, said that while some don’t believe in Lake Tatoose’s water’s healing properties, or that the lake even exists, others have experienced positive results.”

“Doctor CG,” Kenny said.

“First name Chat,” said Hilton, “last name GPT.”

“Huh,” Kenny said. He stood now, walked over to where he’d left his bag in the corner, and retrieved something oddly futuristic from it. Opening the cap, he poured the contents of his glass into this.

“What’s that?” Hilton said, sitting forward.

“Oh, it’s just a special water bottle I got,” Kenny said. “Basically, it’s got a built-in filter, capable of filtering out 99.9% of bacteria, viruses, parasites, and more. Better safe than sorry, right? Anyway, it came in a three-pack. I could give you one. It might… uhh… enhance the Tatoose water’s healing properties. And take away the bag taste, perhaps.”

“That’s okay, Kenny,” said Hilton gently. But really, it made him sad for the state of the world, seeing the ridiculous things this younger generation would believe.