Morsels for Learning

Zesty Paws All-in-One Training Bites: an FAQ

So… what are these things?

They’re dog treats. Their packaging claims that they’ll stimulate your buddy’s brain development, help them maintain cardiovascular health, improve joint and muscle health, and promote a strong immune system. And maybe they will do that. But really, they’re just tasty little morsels for your canine friends.

What makes them “training” treats?

Basically, they’re small, which means you can give your dog several of them as you repeat commands without upsetting their tummy.

And do they have an expiration date?

They have a best-by date of 2/28/27. But just remember, best-by dates and sell-by dates are not the same thing as expiration dates. They may lose some of their flavor and potency as you head into spring of 2027, but it’s not like they’re going to go rancid. (And besides, they’re for dogs. Is your pup really going to stick their nose up at treats just because they’re a little stale?)

I have used the treats to train my dog to fight jiu-jitsu, which will allow him to do what I never could: infiltrate the Lonely Lads gang and avenge my father, their one-time accountant whose only sin was to want out of that world of grime and violence so that he could make a better life for his family. But how can I be sure my dog will carry out this bloody revenge mission if I’m not there to give him treats along the way?

Huh. Um, you can’t actually be sure of that.

What? Can’t I? Then what are these treats even for?

Teaching your dog how to sit. Teaching your dog how to shake.

But I don’t need HIM to do those things. I’ve done them enough myself. I’ve sat half my life, shaking with rage over what those goons did to my dad. I wake up every morning, cursing them. Do you know what that’s like?

Look, we’re really sorry, but we’re selling dog treats here, so…

And the worst part? He claims it doesn’t bother him. My dad says he didn’t want a going-away party anyway. Can you believe that?

Wait, hold on, your father’s alive?

When did I say he wasn’t?

We just sort of assumed. So, what the Lonely Lads “did” was… not throw him a going-away party?

Yes. And I don’t appreciate your sarcastic quotes, buddy. You work for someone for three decades, they should at least book a private room at a restaurant or something. Cater a lunch, maybe. SOMETHING!

Okay, we’re pretty far afield, so we’re just going to end this now.