Turkey Day Approacheth

The Fact

It’s November 2nd, which means you have less than a month until Thanksgiving.

The Good News

1. You still have plenty of time to prepare.

2. We’re selling a big food processor today, one from a trusted brand for about a hundred bucks less than it runs on Amazon. What Thanksgiving task will you use it for? Maybe making a dip for the pre-meal spread? Maybe to pulse some stale bread that’ll be used as stuffing? Maybe for processing a pie filling? It doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you can buy it now and be sure to have it come the holiday. Because Thanksgiving isn’t a time you want to be without basic kitchen appliances.

The Bad News

1. Uncle Jared will insist on cooking the turkey this year. He’ll tell you that he has “something new” to try. This will make you nervous, but your mom will insist that you let him do it. After all, if he’s busy, maybe he’ll talk a little bit less about his apartment complex’s breed restrictions for dogs, a sore subject for him, and one that he speaks about frequently, often comparing it (fairly offensively) to injustices throughout history. The issue? This new turkey technique will be something he saw on a Facebook video. He will struggle to find it, and then, when he finally does, it will be clear that he didn’t watch it very closely before. It will call for a weeklong dry-brine (which he did not do) and require multiple spices and pans (which he did not bring). “I’m sure it’ll be fine with a few omissions,” he’ll say. It will not be fine.

2. Your younger cousin Matt, who’s attending graduate school across the country, will opt not to fly back this year. This is entirely reasonable considering he’ll be home a month later for Christmas, and will spend nearly a month there, given it aligns with a semester break. Still, your Aunt Jane will not take his absence well. When you ask how he’s spending the day (a mistake), she’ll tell you he’s sharing a meal with some of his classmates. “They’re calling it a Friendsgiving,” she’ll say with much derision, assigning the word mocking air quotes as if it’s a new term her ridiculous son coined. As she drinks more wine, the air quotes will grow more emphatic until, around dessert, she will bring up the Friendsgiving once again and air quote wildly enough to knock over a candle, nearly starting the tablecloth on fire.

3. You will take a break to watch some football, settling into the couch next to your Uncle Dale. “You know Amazon does these games now?” he’ll say. To which you’ll reply, some of them, yeah. Uncle Dale will shake his head. “Whenever I order something, they send me a picture. ‘Here it is, on your front stoop!’ But then, half the time, I get home from work and what’s there? Nothing. So they’ve got enough money to buy the NFL, but they can’t ensure I get my packages?” Maybe someone’s taking it off his stoop, you’ll say. “I don’t know about that. What would anyone want with my insoles? I think they do it with AI. Have you seen the pictures this stuff can do? Just like the real thing!” You will be exhausted and tryptophan-tired and want nothing more than to turn off your brain and watch some sports. Despite this, you will leave the couch to start cleaning up in the kitchen, just so you can avoid talking to your uncle about AI.

Kinda rough. But again, at least you can get this nice food processor.