The Rest of Our Lives

Just about every other night, Claudette and Barney went out on a date, and on every one of these dates, after Barney ushered them to exactly the right place, Claudette stood, staring at the ground as she massaged the crick in her neck from a poor night’s sleep.

In this way, she missed the sky-writer spelling out, ‘Will you marry me?’ during one afternoon of sunny blue skies, or the fireworks display that posed the same question. The flock of domesticated finches arranging themselves to ask a third time should’ve done the trick, but they could be coaxed no lower due to the presence of a stray cat stalking about on the ground.

Barney’s solution to this was a picnic. Working with an entomologist from the local university, he located the largest ant hill in the park. Then, the night before, he’d adhered crumbs that had been infused with ant pheromones to the fabric in exactly the right way so that the ants, once assembled, would pop the question for him.

But Claudette had tried to remedy her discomfort by shifting her sleeping position. As such, the crick had moved, and that day, she didn’t look to the ground but rather lifted her head and rolled it.

Unfortunately, the ant bites they both suffered amounted to no pattern at all.

After a while, she was barely sleeping. Because of this, she often excused herself early from their dinner dates, missing the question of whether or not she’d become Barney’s wife as performed by a barbershop quartet, a mariachi band, and an opera singer. Barney even brought in a tap group to ask for her hand via Morse code. (The two of them had met playing a highly involved war game where they both posed as submarine operators during World War II.)

“You seem almost as tired as me, Barn,” Claudette said when he arrived at her apartment one night.

“Here,” was all he said in reply, foisting a black garbage bag into her hand.

Claudette opened it. “Awww, what a sweet thing. Two New York & Company pillows. That’s just what we need to get some rest.” She took them out, which was when she saw the envelope taped to one of them. Opening, she found an engagement ring and a note posing the question Barney had been trying to ask for weeks.

Tears came into Claudette’s eyes. “Yes, Barney! A million times yes!” They embraced for a long time, and when they finally released one another, Claudette looked at him and smiled. “It’s just funny to me, you know? I guess I always took you as the grand romantic gesture type.”

“Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting the job done,” Barney said.