Allow Us To Illuminate

How to Set Up a Bell & Howell Power Table Lamp

1. Remove lamp from packaging.

2. Either plug in the lamp via USB cable or insert 3 AA batteries (not included).

3. Place the lamp on a table.

4. Easily adjust the lamp’s swiveling light for optimal illumination.

5. Move the lamp on the table for perfect placement. (It’s easy! You don’t need to worry about wires or an outlet!)

6. As you move the lamp, notice the indentation upon the table: someone had written something, pressing down hard as they did so, leaving the ghost of their note behind.

7. Remember that you purchased this table at the thrift store, so it wouldn’t be anything you wrote.

8. Get a pencil and a piece of paper.

9. Shade over the indentation.

10. Read what you’ve revealed. Could it be? You’ve just discovered the original recipe for Gusto Portable Pies? As in: the original recipe to the original hand pie, long since replaced by a cheap amalgamation of sugar and preservatives? The formula that food historians thought was lost forever?

11. Call Gusto Portable Pies.

12. Tell them what you found.

13. Take the shaded paper and get in the black sedan they send, the one that will take you to their whimsical corporate headquarters.

14. Notice that the driver keeps asking you a lot of weird questions about the recipe. And why is he sweating so much?

15. Realize you’ve been intercepted by operatives from Little Nana’s Corporate Bakery, Gusto’s chief rival.

16. Bail out of the car.

17. Go back to your home.

18. Destroy the table.

19. Take your new lamp and leave. You’re on the run; you don’t know where you’re going to hide and therefore where you’re going to get your light.

20. While sleeping in alley ways and under bridges, commit the recipe to memory.

21. Burn the shaded paper. The recipe now exits only within your mind.

22. Meet a mysterious and sage vagrant who teaches you ins and outs of Krav Maga.

23. Practice your moves day and night, growing stronger and fiercer.

24. Learn that Little Nana’s goons have taken your family on the same day that the sage vagrant tells you: “You’re ready, my pupil.”

25. Head to their headquarters–which unlike Gusto’s is devoid of all whimsy–prepared to show these punks your new moves.

26. Gasp when who should be waiting at the gates for you but Mr. Gusto himself, explaining with a wide smile this was all a test, and you passed. Now, he’s ready to reward you generously for that recipe.

27. Turn him down. You don’t like to work with people who play games. And besides, the recipe was never patented. Why should you share any of your profits?

28. Get the venture capital together and open your own mass production pie factory.

29. Start making pies.

30. Come to understand that, yikes, the original pie tastes awful. Seriously, why is there suet in this thing? Yuck!

31. Before the pies hit the market, sell the company to Little Nana for a ludicrous amount of money.

32. Watch their sweet empire crumble from your private island.

NOTE: Steps 6 through 32 are optional.