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How to rationalize purchasing this pack of stupid toys

1. You could provide a child with a bit of unique nostalgia

As an adult, there are few things as satisfying as getting together with people of a similar age and playing, “Hey, remember [BLANK]?”

Maybe it’s something specific to you and whoever you’re playing it with. “Hey, remember Jake from down the hall in college who was always getting busted for having exotic pets in his dorm room?” But often, it’s something more general. “Hey, remember those old Mentos commercials?” Or else, it’s something that awakens your inner child, like a toy. “Hey, remember that game, Don’t Break the Ice?” Or “Hey, remember all the Tamagotchi knock-offs?”

But while it can be fun to bond, there’s something especially thrilling about stumping the other person. For example, hey, remember the Cybiko? You probably don’t. But I do. Because I had one. And let me tell you, it was an absolute piece of shit! But it was my piece of shit. And while I can relate to hundreds of others who played roughly twenty-eight seconds’ worth of Virtual Boy before pulling away to massage their eyes, never to return, it’s exciting to have this little bit of nostalgia that feels unique to me.

And now you can give your kids the same! Because, in twenty years, when they say, “Hey, remember ReactionWhizz?” nobody’s going to have any idea what the hell they’re talking about. And that will make them feel special.

2. You will improve future IRKs

It’s simple: the fewer of these we have in the warehouse, the less likely they’ll be to end up in the next Instant Regret Kit we sell.

Yes, you still end up with this stuff, but you know you’re going to get it, so your disappointment is tempered. You’re not coming in excited for a surprise, thus making the letdown even more intense.

And if you’re like, “But I don’t even buy the IRKs,” then consider getting this an act of kindness towards those who do.

3. It might improve your nutrition

Picture this: you’re feeling peckish mid-morning. So you grab your wallet, get up from your desk, and make your way to the vending machine down the hall. But as you’re about to scan your card or put in your bill and make your selection, a thought hits you.

Didn’t I just spend 8 bucks on some stupid toys? Shouldn’t I be cutting back on worthless expenditures?

You go back to your desk uncorrupted by junk food.

4. They could become currency in the future

Okay, the chances are slim, but you never know.

5. You might actually like them

Again, the chances are slim, but you never know.