Ports Aplenty

The keynote address of the Meh-sponsored 2026 ‘Conference on Margarita Making,’ from ecommerce philosopher, Eileen Monstale:

Can it make a margarita?

This is a question asked almost every day by those working in the deal industry. But perhaps the more fitting questions might be: What makes a margarita?

I do not mean ingredients. Bartenders have innovated the margarita, adding flavors and altering, ever so slightly, the chemistry of one of our great cocktails. But, unlike in the case of the martini, they have not gone so far as to fully corrupt it, reducing a once and steadfast iconic drink into a question of glassware. On the contrary, while a so-called choco-tini must be served in a martini glass to maintain its unearned suffix, a margarita can be quaffed from just about any vessel as its core remains rigid: tequila, orange liquor, lime juice.

Thus, when I ask what makes a margarita, I seek to discuss margarita-making paraphernalia and how it functions.

For example, consider this: I offer you two options, a blender or a sharp stick. You can choose only one, and that will be your chief margarita-making tool henceforth. The obvious move would be to select the blender. It is the appliance most commonly associated with the production of margaritas. The frozen kind, at least.

But a blender must be plugged in, while a stick can muddle and stir sans voltage.

So, what is the more important aspect of margarita making? Having the blender, or having a place to plug it in?

Likewise, if a margarita is made but its drinker’s phone is dead, thus cutting them off from the world, allowing them neither access to social media, where they might post a photo of their margarita, or or just a messaging app, where they might share visual evidence of their margarita with a group of close friends or even just one person–in this case, how can it be definitively said that there was ever a margarita at all?

Taking it further: a margarita is defined by society. If one exited society by going without ready access to electricity, say, could they definitively call an amalgamation of tequila, orange liquor, and lime a margarita? Or does it require cultural context? What would we call it if a dog were trained to be a mixologist and managed, by happenstance, to combine the margarita’s core ingredients into a drink? Does the dog’s lack of knowledge regarding the margarita’s origins, history, associations, or even name make the concoction something different?

Truly, I don’t want to confuse you, but rather to show you the danger of singular associations. A blender is something that can make a margarita, but only if it has access to an outlet.

Thus, I conclude: the more outlets you have, the greater potential you have to make a margarita. And the more USB ports you have, the more likely it is that your phone will be charged, allowing for concrete documentation of the margarita’s preparation and consumption.

Thus, 6-outlet wall-taps with 3 USB-A ports and a USB-C port each can make a margarita.

Thank you for your time.

[Wild cheering and applause.]