Easy, Stupid, Giftable

Hey, it’s me. The young child in your life.

Look, this time of year can seem fraught. I get that. The holidays are important for kids, and you want to make it extra special. That’s so sweet. But you really need to remember who you’re dealing with here.

Let me remind you of some of my tastes.

1. I have two favorite toys. One of which is the little figurine version of my favorite character from my favorite cartoon show. The other one? It’s a tiny knock-off GI-Joe-like guy manufactured sometime between 1985 and 1999 that I found in a box in the attic at grandma and grandpa’s house.

2. We are about a month removed from a holiday during which I acquired and happily ate my weight in candies that are basically sugar cubes with citric acid added to them. In a couple days, I’m going to turn up my nose at a delicious bowl of homemade cranberry relish in favor of the quote-unquote sauce that still retains the shape of the can it came in.

3. My favorite brand of pants is red. My favorite brand of shoes is velcro. My favorite brand of coat is shiny. My favorite movie is a user-made video featuring Paw Patrol click art moving around the screen and text-to-talk digital voices.

All I’m saying is, I’m about three to five years removed from being a nightmare who worries about the status certain brand names carry. But this year, my Christmas list includes a pony, a hoverboard (but, like, one that really hovers), and then the toys from the last three ads I saw before writing it.

In other words: this holiday, I’m looking for quantity over quality.

And so, when I unwrap these USA Toyz Whipz Micro Racers, I’m not going to scoff at packaging that features not one but two z-for-s substitutions. I’m not going to ask you why the cars themselves look like computer mice from the early aughts. What I’m going to see is: whoa! Keychain-size cars! And balls! What???

Might your insistence on flooding the area of floor beneath the Christmas tree with junk from a deal site result in issues later on, when I come to understand just how little you spent on my gifts? Sure. But that’s something adult me can work out with a therapist.

For now, keep the presents coming, whatever they are!