Santa's Little Helper

Hey, Santa Claus here, just writing in from the North Pole to give this power bank my official endorsement.

I know what you’re thinking: Why does Santa need a power bank? And the answer, my friends, is quite simple. Just because I’m a magical man of legend who’s been flying around the world in a sled since time immemorial doesn’t mean we don’t use any tech! We have made all sorts of wonderful advancements in recent years!

Okay, fine: real talk? I’m typing this with gritted teeth. Truth is, about eight years ago, Prancer tweaked a hoof, and so we were a bit slow-going, which meant four kids in Tasmania woke up, went downstairs, and found no presents under the tree first thing in the morning. A PR nightmare, as you can imagine.

Anyway, this triggered an internal audit, and the findings therein triggered the hiring of an external consulting firm from the Bay Area. These dweebs then came in and made sure you couldn’t turn this, that, or the other way without seeing something with a damn touchscreen on it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some perks. The naughty and nice lists are both now searchable databases, not big, huge scrolls. And Mrs Claus developed an app where I can take a picture of a plate of cookies, and it’ll determine whether they’re homemade or not. That way, when I get to Reykjavík, I don’t have to worry that I won’t have room to enjoy Mrs Eiríksdóttir’s award-winning offering because I took too many trips to Tate’s friggin’ Bake Shop.

But then there are the other times when the on-sled tablet goes to sleep, and I need to take off my gloves to key in a code sent to my phone to unlock it, otherwise I won’t have access to the requisite Christmas magic to get down the chimney. Not to mention, we made the mistake of bringing a bluetooth speaker along and now the reindeer demand to listen to stuff constantly. Making matters worse, they don’t all have the same preferences. Some like classic carols performed on piano. Others prefer the more modern stuff. And then there’s Blitzen, who insists we listen to episodes of Chapo Trap House.

It’s a mess.

But there’s no use complaining. It’s just the way we do things now. And so having a nice power bank to keep everything up and running is essential. Like this one. With 25,000mAh, it can charge a few things, and with its GaN technology, it can charge those things fast. Plus, it’s got a USB-C port, a USB-A port, and two built-in cables (USB-C and Lightning).

Sounds great, right?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta record this year’s ‘Ho-ho-ho’ to play over the sled’s exterior sound system as we go. To be fair, this is one of the innovations I appreciate. It doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re expected to ‘Ho-ho-ho’ all the way from Berlin to Kyoto, you’re gonna wake up hoarse the next day.