Warm Up

A puffer jacket, just as temperatures are starting to dip. Perfect timing, right?

And this one’s nice. Here’s what it looks like from the front.

And here’s what it looks like from the side.

From those photos, the jacket’s Adidas-ness can only be inferred by the small logo on the collar and the stripes under the arms.

So, here are a few tips for varying situations.

If you find yourself at a party where everyone is wearing Adidas

• Stand in profile as much as possible.

• Thumb your collar regularly, drawing attention to the logo.

• Ask, “Wow, how high are the ceilings in here?” And then reach up to try and touch it, thus exposing your stripes.

Meanwhile…

If you find yourself at a party where everyone is wearing Nike

• Place a small piece of black tape over the logo. If anyone asks why it’s there, say your jacket was damaged when you were shot with a tranquilizer dart and brought to a mysterious island where you were hunted by wealthy sociopaths.

• Hold your arms firmly against your side.

• When you need to point or gesture to something, do so with your head or chin.

• If anyone asks why you’re standing so stiff, tell them your father is retiring from his CEO position at the multinational clip company he founded. Chip-clips, clip-on ties, paper clips, you name it. If it clips, there’s a good chance he makes it. As such, the company’s valuation comes in somewhere in the billions. But despite his tenure soon coming to an end, he has yet to name a successor among you and your siblings. Instead, ever the eccentric, he’s staging a contest: whoever, between you and your brothers and sisters, can hold two eggs in the soft pocket of their armpits longest will ascend the throne. As such, were you to so much as open your arms even the smallest amount, the eggs would roll down your side and crack on the ground below, making a mess of both the floor and your future.

Okay, maybe that last one is a bit much. But hey, nice enough puffer jackets, right?