Not For Cooking

Your new Cuisinart PuRXium H13 HEPA Air Purifier: an FAQ

Okay, so I’ve been mashing garbanzo beans into the grating on top of this thing for hours and not a drop of hummus has come out. What gives?

So, you see, while this is a Cuisinart product, it’s actually not a food processor, or any kind of kitchen appliance for that matter. Although you could set it up in the kitchen to clear out all the stale cooking smells that linger long after you finish a meal. Which makes you wonder: is any appliance used in the kitchen considered ‘a kitchen appliance’? Like, if you set up a TV to watch while you cook, would that be one? Wow, asking questions is fun. I see why you like doing it. Go ahead, ask another.

How serious is this thing? Are we talking “True HEPA”?

It’s actually H13 HEPA, which is better than “True HEPA.” Basically, H13 means that it follows the European standards of air-clearing, which are even more rigorous because of how much they love to disaffectedly blow cigarette smoke into stuff over there. In fact, it’s capable of filtering particles as small as 0.1 microns in size (versus 0.3 microns for “true HEPA”).

What percentage of those particles does it get?

99.9%.

And what happens to the remaining 0.1% of the particles?

They look around at their empty, decimated particle world. And they say, 'Finally, all is quiet! I can finally spend time reading books!" And so they go to the tiny particle library and pick out a few tiny particle volumes, excited to crack them open. But then, before they can finish the first sentence, their little particle glasses fall off and tragically shatter.

Any other numbers you want to share?

88. What a beautiful number, right? Two endless loops standing next to each other. Were it to fall on its side, it would be a pair of stacked infinity signs. Isn’t that beautiful and maybe a little daunting to consider? Two separate instances of something unending, one on top of the other?

We meant: Any other numbers you want to share ABOUT THIS PRODUCT?

Oh, sure. It can clean 500 square feet twice every hour or 250 square feet four times every hour. 2,500-hour runtime, 2-sided air intake, 250 CADR, and so on.

Cool. Can you tell us what CADR stands for?

Yeah, sure, it’s… hey, what’s that over there??

Over where?

[sound of running footsteps, a door slamming, and a car starting up and driving away.]

He left, didn’t he?

…

It stands for “Clean Air Delivery Rate,” if anyone was curious.