Aches Be Gone

PRODUCT COMPARISON: Sharper Image Calming Heat Shoulder Wrap vs. Benny, your downstairs neighbor who’s always available for a back rub

Sharper Image Calming Heat Shoulder Wrap

Pros:

• Fits on either shoulder (or both at once, maybe, if you opt for the two-pack)
• Provides soothing heat
• Massaging vibrations ease your aches
• Totally passive; you can sit back and enjoy a massage while you watch TV
• 9-foot-long power cord
• Wireless remote, so you can control it from anywhere (even though it’s literally strapped to your arm)

Cons:

• Only 3 levels of heat and 3 levels of vibration intensity
• Using it can feel a bit lonely
• You turn it on or turn it off, but otherwise, there’s very little interaction

Benny, your downstairs neighbor who’s always available for a back rub

Pros:

• Hands are strong yet soft
• Friendly eyes
• Always adjusts to the exact knots you have, and his intensity levels are limitless
• Opens the door on the second knock, every time, as if he’s just waiting for you to ask him for a back rub, day or night
• An eager conversationalist; he always wants to know about your favorite sports teams and pets, past and present, as he gives you a back rub

Cons:

• Sometimes, as the back rub goes on, he seems to get frustrated with your contributions to the conversation; the back rub can get a bit painful at this point
• And when this happens, you wanna be like, “If you’re annoyed about my answers, maybe ask better questions?”
• Seriously, last week he asked: “What are your favorite punctuation marks?” And then: “What letters in your cat’s name would you replace with numbers if you had to?” It’s not going to inspire much back and forth!
• Wait a minute… this asshole’s just trying to get your wifi password, isn’t he?

Conclusion: Avoid Benny. Get the Sharper Image Calming Heat Shoulder Wrap. Or even better, get two of them.