Cool It

What’s that, sweetie? You’re in the market for a personal mister?

Gosh, it used to be you could just say ‘husband,’ and everyone knew that he was for you personally. But not anymore, huh? What with all your throuples and polycules and what have you.

Oh, you wipe that look right off your face, little lady! Your mom’s got a smartphone just like you, and if you scroll TikTok long enough, you learn all sorts of interesting stuff. One minute your watching something about baked macaroni and cheese hacks, then all of a sudden, you’re getting a tour of what amounts to a modern-day harem in Venice Beach.

What, I’m not supposed to say that? Relax. This is a Starbucks, sweetie. I bet every one of those baristas has something pierced that you can’t see.

But back to your predicament.

No, sweetie, don’t interrupt your mom when she’s thinking.

What about James?

What do you mean, ‘James who?’ My hairdresser? Patricia? Her nephew? Helped me set up my DVR that time? Pfft, ‘James who’! And I think my memory’s bad! Anyway, Patricia said he’s single again. His ex went a little stir crazy, apparently, and moved out west. Claims she can work ‘anywhere’ with her cosmetology certificate. And she took the cat, even though it was James’s! Or at least, he was the one who always gave it its medicine. Poor thing. Getting poked so often with those needles. They say it doesn’t hurt them the way it hurts us, but still.

Point is, he’s on the market, and Patricia says he got surgery, so no more hemorrhoids! Does have to sit on a donut for a while, but that’s not so bad. Might make him seem taller.

Jeez, would you quit it with this volume police routine? Everyone’s got their AirBeans or whatever you call them in, probably listening to people popping bubble wrap. It’s called ASMR. I saw that on TikTok, too. There’s one I follow who crushes cans real slow. You should see his hand! Enormous. I don’t care what the rest of him looks like. Strong hands like that, it doesn’t matter. If I met him, I’d have to stop calling your father my ‘personal mister’ if you know what I mean!

Wait, you meant a mister like something that makes mist? Like water? For cooling off while gardening?

Sweetie, you got to be clearer about these things!