Clean Cut

First, it’s your favorite sweater. You wear it whenever there’s a chill in the air and it’s clean. Hell, it’s a sweater. You might even put it on two, three days in a row between washings.

But over time, things change. It gets a little stretched out, but that’s not a huge deal; sweaters can be bulky. The problem is, it’s also pilling. So that you look like a slob whenever you wear it, even when it’s fresh out of the washing machine.

So you don’t wear it as often.

And this only compounds the issue.

Because now, it’s in your drawers for longer. It’s sitting there, getting that ‘hasn’t been worn in a while’ odor. What’s more, when you burrow around in that drawer looking for newer, less pilly sweaters, you jostle it around. So, despite the fact that you folded it up and put it away neatly, it ends up all jumbled.

Hence, it looks even worse, because it’s not just pilling; it’s wrinkled.

Next thing you know, you’re never wearing it at all.

One of your coworkers says, “Hey, where’s that sweater you always used to wear?” And you say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” And they say, “Sure you do,” and start describing it, and you just can’t take it. Before they finish, you shout, “I don’t know what you’re talking about! I don’t have a sweater that looks like that!”

And oh boy, now you’re in trouble. HR wants to talk to you. Moreover, they want to talk to you and this coworker, because apparently they’ve accused you of creating a hostile work environment.

Maybe they have a point.

You’ve been on edge recently, more than you care to admit. All this time, you’ve been trying to pretend you like the freedom of not having a favorite sweater, that you enjoy the thrill of outer layer variation. But it’s all a lie.

“Jesus, buddy, just get a Sunbeam ReviveSystem 3-in-1 Steamer Iron & Fabric Shaver,” says the guy on the stool next to you, because you’ve gone to a bar and relayed this all tearfully to the bartender. “They’re selling them today on Meh for cheap.”

So you buy one. And you steam your favorite sweater to get the wrinkles out. And you shave it to get the pilling under control. And now you know exactly what you’re going to wear to that meeting with HR!

Except you never go to that meeting. Because the coworker gets busted for selling company secrets to a competitor. And you, as their known enemy, look better in comparison.

Especially in that sweater. It really does suit you!