Sheet Show

[applause as the candidate takes the stage]

Friends, volunteers, family members, and constituents, when I launched this campaign nearly a year ago to become the next mayor of Sleepy Town, everyone thought it was a long shot. And yet, here we are on Election Day, celebrating not my victory, but our victory!

[applause]

And sure, there were plenty of opportunities to give up belief. I know I had moments I questioned myself, my platform, my decision to get into this race. But I always stayed the course. Because of you.

[applause]

When I proposed, for example, my overhaul of the weekday wake-up routine, suggesting a later alarm time with fewer snoozes, allowing for more uninterrupted sleep, my opponent called me a radical, and the pundits called me a delusional idealist.

But you believed.

And my dream-replacement policy proposal, wherein most dreams of personal achievement and professional promotion would be replaced with dreams involving former pets who have passed away? The consultant class scoffed at it. Even after I explained my reasoning–that you wake up disappointed from promotion dreams, whereas old pet dreams can be a little sad for a minute when you open your eyes, but you ultimately end up happy to see them again, even if only for a moment in your subconscious–they called me ridiculous.

But you believed.

And maybe the biggest battle of all, the sheets.

[hoots from the audience]

They said, ‘But we already have sheets.’ They said, ‘Sure, a new set that’s exceptionally soft and smooth, cool and breathable, and resistant to both shrinking and fading? That sounds nicer than the ones in the closet, which are pilling and stretched too thin in places. But how much is it going to cost?’ And when I said just $24 for two sets, they rolled their eyes.

But you believed.

And I’m going to reward your belief by implementing these new policies not over the course of my first term, but on day one!

[applause]

Because you shouldn’t have to wait for a better tomorrow. Not you, there in the front row, wearing a campaign t-shirt. Nor you over there, the neon pink dinosaur towering over everyone. Nor you, there, near the back, my family’s black lab from when I was a kid.

Not anyone!

[applause]

Wait a minute… my old dog? A neon pink dinosaur? Aww, dammit, this is a dream, isn’t it?

See, it’s gonna be so annoying to wake up from this one. That’s what the dream-replacement policy was all about.

Oh well, at least the deal on sheets is real.