Wallet? More Like Where-it, Amirite?!

The 10 stages of going to grab your wallet and finding it’s not where it should be

Stage 1: Mild Annoyance

Oh, great. Silly me. Now, what ridiculous place did I put the damn thing down?

Stage 2: Extreme Annoyance

No, seriously. Where the hell is it?! I have things to do, places to be! UGH! WTF! How have I made it this far in life when I’m clearly a bona fide friggin’ moron who can’t keep track of anything?!?

Stage 3: Amateur Detective

What pants did I wear yesterday? Could it be in my gym bag?

Stage 4: Professional Detective

So eet eez not in ze pants or ze bag, non? But, mayhaps, there was a, how you say, weather condition zat caused me to, how you say, wear a rain slicker? Or zome other article of ze clothing that I do not always wear zat now contains my, how you say, wallet? Non?

Stage 5: Insane Detective

So, I believe I checked my pants just a moment ago, but do I really remember doing that, or is my mind calling to the surface a distant memory of a different time I misplaced my wallet and then checked my pants? Or perhaps that memory is also false, and what I am really remembering is not something that happened to me, but something that I’ve heard other people have done, a story that burrowed deep down in my subconscious and is now manifesting as a real memory. Which means: the wallet could be in the pants I wore yesterday, so I better check them again.

Stage 6: Back to Reality

Dammit, did I leave it somewhere?

Stage 7: Paranoia

Oh man, someone is probably out there, using my ID and my credit cards to do god knows what! I better check my bank account.

Stage 8: Shame

Wow, seeing my accumulated expenditures right here, listed one after another? It’s enough to make me wonder if I even deserve to have a wallet. Like, seriously, I went into the grocery store for, like, three things. Did I then need to stop at Starbucks on my way home and spend $12 on a coffee and a Danish? The Danish wasn’t even that good! And I knew that! Because I get it every time, and every time, I’m disappointed!

Stage 9: Location

Oh, wait. It looks like it fell behind the table where I usually leave it.

Stage 10: Relief

Phew!

With KeySmart SmartCards, which allow you to locate your wallet on a map using Apple Find My or make it ding if you’re close by, you can skip stages 2 through 8.