Not So Weighty

“Hey, grandpa,” Cal said. He stepped into the kitchen, wiped his brow, and settled across the table form the old man. “Lawn’s mowed. Probably should give it a quick go with the wacker, but I need to sit a minute in the air conditioning first.”

“Of course, you don’t want to overheat,” Grandpa said. “Say, your mom tells me you and your friends just got back from a little camping trip.”

“Yeah, it was great,” Cal said. “Especially because I got some new gear. Like an ultralight sleeping bag.”

“Wow, they make sleeping bags for that now?” Grandpa said, leaning forward.

Cal furrowed his brow in confusion. “For what?”

“Ultralight sleepers,” Grandpa said. “I could’ve used something like that in my youth. Though, hard to say if it would’ve done me any good. Truth is, Cal, I am a diagnosed ultra-ultra-light sleeper. I once awoke to the sound of the pin dropping, and that pin was in the dress shop three miles away. That was how I learned the place was being robbed. Well, I call the police and tell them, but they ignore me. Sure enough, the next day, Mrs. Andrews goes in and finds the place has been ransacked.”

“Yeah, okay, that’s interesting and all, Grandpa–” Cal tried to say.

“The detective they sent mentioned I’d called,” Grandpa went on, “so Mrs. Andrews calls me in. She clearly thinks I did it, and then reported my crime out of some sense of guilt. But I told her it wasn’t just the sound of a pin that woke me; it was a slight sniffle. This was how she came to understand it was her ne’er-do-well brother, Billy, a perpetual allergy sufferer, who broke in. They sent the police there. ‘One minute,’ he said through the door. Fifteen minutes later, they had to break the door down, and even then, there was fabric on just about every surface. That’s how much he’d taken.”

“Wow, what a story, but–” Cal interjected.

“Mrs. Andrews son, Pauly, was so thankful, he invited me to his zydeco band’s performance that night,” Grandpa said. “And it was there, dancing until two in the morning, that I met your grandmother. And let me tell you, it wasn’t a pin dropping that kept me up that night.”

“Ew,” Cal said. “And, Grandpa, when I said ‘ultralight,’ I was referring to the weight. It’s super easy to pack and take anywhere.”

“Oh,” Grandpa said.

“Anyway, I’d better get back out there,” Cal said.

“Sure thing, Cal, sure thing,” Grandpa said. “I’ll put in my earplugs. Just the memory of the weed wacker’s noise could keep me up for weeks.”