To Each Their Own

“If anyone objects to this union,” said Father Blake, “speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

“I do,” came the response.

It was a surprise that anyone should voice such a complaint at all. Making it all the more shocking, it came not from the assembled onlookers but rather a groomsman.

“Paul, what are you doing?” said Patty, the bride.

“Patty, you’re my sister,” said Paul, stepping forward. “And Mark, you were my college roommate. I am, in many ways, the reason you two met, and for so long, your love for one another filled me with pride. But unfortunately, I cannot let you go on. Because this is a matter of life and death. Isn’t it, Mark?”

“What’s he talking about?” Patty whispered.

“I have no idea,” Mark, the groom, whispered back.

“And that’s the problem,” Paul said. “You have no idea, because you haven’t thought this through the way I have.” He turned to the pews now. “You see, I know both of these people better than they know themselves. And so I know that Patty’s breakfast of choice is a smoothie with bananas, strawberries, and peanut butter. Mark also favors smoothies as his morning meal, but here’s the thing: he has a peanut allergy. What’s more, Patty’s workday at the clinic starts at 7:30 in the morning, whereas Mark’s begins an hour later, and he works from home. Thus, Patty will be using the blender first, and there’s bound to be one morning when she’s running late, gets lax with the blender cleaning, and a tragedy occurs. Kind of like in White Lotus, season three.”

“No spoilers!” someone called out.

“It’s been out for a year, dad!” Paul shouted back. “Maybe lay off the Instagram Reels and watch an actual show once in a while!”

“Paul,” Mark said, “there’s something Patty and I need to tell you.”

“Early on in our relationship, we bought a two-pack of Blendjet 2 Portable Blenders,” Patty said. “They’re powerful yet compact and rechargeable, with 15 blends per full charge. We mostly wanted them because they’re fairly quiet, which is nice, considering Mark is still asleep when I make my breakfast.”

“But also, we decided to get the two-pack where they’re each a different color,” Mark said, “so we always know whose is whose.”

“Oh,” Paul said. “That’s rad. Though it sounds pricey.”

“It was actually only twenty bucks,” said Patty.

“Well, then,” Paul said, “I now have more faith in this marriage than ever! Please proceed, father. I hope I haven’t ruined things.”

“You ruined season three of White Lotus for me!” called someone.

“Oh, shut up, dad!” Paul shouted. “I didn’t even really say what happens.”