Bundle Up Bundle
- 3 throw blankets and 1 bag o’ the good stuff (by which we mean candy corn)
- The blankets are a random mix of colors and two different sizes: 50" x 60" and 46" x 67"
- The candy corn is a non-random color and size
- You might not get them by Halloween, so you’ll have to eat the candy corn as quickly as possible while you’re still in the spirit
- One type of blanket is called “microfiber” and the other is a synthetic “velvet,” but they’re pretty much the same
- Model: WICCAN (Winter Is Coming, Cover Asses Now)
No matter where you live, it’s getting colder. We’ve been around the orbit of the sun enough times to know that’s something that happens around this time of year. But don’t worry, we’ve got everything you need to layer up and stay perfectly cozy all winter long.
If you live in a climate that never gets “winter” in the traditional sense, these throw blankets are pretty lightweight, so you can use one for yourself, give the others to your friends, family, and short-hair, shivering pets, and munch on candy corn for months until the frigid low-50-degree temperatures pass.
If you live above the Mason-Dixon Line, layer up to three blankets to stave off the chill of “real winter.” And add the candy corn to your pellet stove for a little extra warmth during cold snaps.
If you live in one of those truly frigid areas like North Dakota, however, you’ll need more. You’ll need to wrap yourself in all three blankets and add one more layer if you wish to remain cozy during those long Fargo nights: The candy corn layer.
No, we’re not saying you should mold the candy corn kernels together into some kind of tunic or poncho, though that’s not a terrible idea. We’re recommending you eat the candy corn immediately upon receiving it, thereby adding an insulating layer of blubber to your person.
Weird? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely. You won’t survive North Dakota’s sub-zero temperatures without a thick blanket of fatty tissue beneath your microfiber blankets. Just as the grizzly bear must eat enormous quantities of huckleberries to pack on blubber for the long winter, so must you scarf down a few bags of candy corn.
In fact, why not order a few of these bundles, just to be sure. A single bag of candy corn, on top of the fifteen other bags you’ve ordered from us in the last few weeks, probably isn’t going to provide enough subcutaneous warmth to make much of a difference. You’re going to have to apply yourself to some seriously calorie-dense foods if you want to make it until April.
Or you could just move the hell out of North Dakota to one of those single-blanket climates. But then you wouldn’t have an excuse to eat a worrying amount of candy.
Up to you.