Aches Be Gone

A massage gun with a whole bunch of terrifying-looking attachments for providing targeted relief to your muscles?

That’s perfect for after one of your long marathon training runs! Or a grueling weight-lifting session at the gym! Or building a shed out of trees you chopped down and processed into boards in your workshop! Or hiking Denali!

Or, you know, just general soreness because you’re a person with a body, and sometimes you move it in ways it doesn’t like.

Point is, a massage gun is great for helping you recover from aches and pains regardless of their origin. It won’t judge you. But other people? They very well might.

Which is why, along with the option to buy this massage gun, we’re also providing a guide for how to explain your pain in a way that is not an outright lie, but makes its cause sound much cooler than it actually is.

Here goes!

Pain location: Back

Cause of pain: Too much time hunched over pulling weeds in the garden

Cool-sounding explanation: “Let’s just say, a sore back is a small price to pay to eradicate the enemies of beauty and order.”

Pain location: Legs

Cause of pain: Sitting on a picnic basket

Cool-sounding explanation: “I found sustenance where most only find dandelions. And while nature can fill the lungs with fresh air, its surface is cruel, making even the most brutalist piece of furniture seem like a plump La-Z-Boy by comparison.”

Pain location: Shoulders

Cause of pain: Mowing the lawn

Cool-sounding explanation: “I spent all day with my arms tense as I toiled in the sun, completing a weekly harvest that provides little more than aesthetic pleasure.”

Pain location: Neck

Cause of pain: Sleeping funny

Cool-sounding explanation: “One minute, I was conscious. Then, a force stronger than I can describe descended upon me, and all was darkness for some time, until finally I could lift my lids with some difficulty, and my head from its resting surface with even more.”

See? It’s easy to make stupid aches and pains sound rad. Just like it’ll be easy to find some relief with this massage gun.